It's Just For Now
by karilyn
Summary: As Adam's eldest son prepares to leave for college, the entire family reflects on what it has meant to have him in their lives for the past eighteen years.


Adam's oldest son, Nolan, prepares to leave for college in Boston. He and his family begin to realize what they have meant to each other over the years. This is the third story in my Adam/Hoss/Joe "Destiny" series.

**Rated** G

**Disclaimer**: I own no part of Bonanza or its characters. This story is for entertainment purposes only.

**It's Just for Now**

Nolan Cartwright was in his room, studying two open trunks near the foot of his bed. He had been accepted at the same college his father, Adam, attended in Boston, and he was leaving in two days. He wanted to make sure he took everything he needed, but no more than that. It was too easy just to cram everything he owned into the trunks. (Or try to, anyway.) He sighed and removed three books, putting them back on his bookshelf. His mother had carefully folded and packed the two new dress suits that had been custom made for him, and his sister, Elizabeth, had folded his shirts. He could manage the rest of his clothing himself, but suits and shirts somehow needed a female touch so they arrived with minimal wrinkles.

There was the sound of loud footsteps in the hallway before his twin brother, Logan, burst into the room they shared. Under his arm, laughing breathlessly, was their youngest brother, six-year-old Ross. Nolan smiled at them, thinking to himself that Ross would move into this room the first night he was gone. Ever since Logan had been charged with Ross' complete care for a month, five years ago, to teach him a lesson in responsibility, the older brother had effectively been the younger's surrogate father. At first dismayed by his punishment, Logan and Ross had soon bonded and thereafter, anywhere Logan went on the ranch, Ross was predictably with him.

"You want to go for a ride with us?" Logan asked his twin, setting the young boy on his feet and pretending his 50 pounds had been a terrible physical burden. "We won't have many more chances, you know. Rocket's already saddled."

"Yeah, I think I'd like that. I already miss the Ponderosa and I haven't even left yet!" Nolan laughed, shaking his head even as a sense of unreality hit him. He'd been born here, and now he was headed clear across the country for at least four years. Some feeling he was unaccustomed to tugged at his heart.

"Good. Ross said he'd saddle Pegasus for you. We'll meet you outside in ten minutes," Logan left hand in hand with Ross, who was protesting loudly that he was too short to saddle his brother's horse. Nolan chuckled as he heard his twin respond boisterously that he'd seen the little guy do it at least a hundred times. Ross' head didn't even reach the top of Pegasus' back.

Nolan added a few more essential articles of clothing to one of the trunks before he headed downstairs to meet his brothers. Miraculously, the great room and dining room were empty of people on this Saturday afternoon. Following his nose, he stopped in the kitchen to see Hop Sing, pausing to stuff some chocolate cookies fresh from the oven into his shirt pockets. Surely he and his brothers would get hungry during the ride. Hop Sing complained, but only half-heartedly. He was realizing how much he was going to miss this thoughtful and considerate oldest Cartwright grandchild just two short days from now.

Nolan closed the front door behind him to find both horses at the ready right out front. Ross was already mounted on Rocket, and Logan stood holding Pegasus' reins. Nolan patted his horse's neck and spoke to him softly before swinging up into the saddle. His brother swung up behind Ross on Rocket beside him.

"Logan, will you exercise Peg for me while I'm gone?" He turned to look at his brother, wondering what it would be like to have to use a mirror very soon to see what he looked like. He had taken for granted that he had an identical twin living with him whose eyes were the same color, whose height and weight matched his, whose hair parted the same way his did and matched its color perfectly. Growing up they'd had fun switching identities to confound everyone from family to school teachers. But as they'd grown, all that had to be done was to ask Logan to quote the romance writers or Nolan to brand a calf to tell if you had the right twin. Nolan was almost all scholar, and Logan _was_ all cowboy.

"You can bet on it, brother," Logan answered. "And if I don't, Eric or Benj or Eli or Joey will do it. You know how much they love your horse. Heck, Elizabeth or Susannah will do it for you." It was true. Pegasus was coveted for his sleek black coat, speed and gentle intelligence.

"Me too, Nolan," Ross piped up.

Nolan reached over and squeezed the boy's shoulder lightly. "I'm gonna hold you to that, Buckeroo."

Later, when they were riding through open pastures and on trails where Ponderosa pines scented the air and seemed to touch the sky, Nolan breathed deeply. He knew that Boston wouldn't offer this serenity. Once again he felt the tug. He'd been offered the opportunity of a lifetime, he knew that. But how often would he be able to come back here to recharge and breathe the air again? Maybe a couple, he didn't know. His father had only made a few trips back when he had attended the school. It was a long way to go. Transportation was better these days, that would help, he hoped.

Rocket and Pegasus meandered to the shore of Lake Tahoe. The brothers dismounted and admired the deep blue water. Automatically they began to collect stones to skip across the water. Nolan let off the first one, a classic, with four skips to it.

"Good one," Logan acknowledged. He was bending over, helping Ross with his throw. With his brother's help, Ross usually got at least one skip. Otherwise, his stones often plunked directly underwater. "You work on your throw, Ross. I have to beat Nolan's record. This may be my last chance for a while."

And so ensued an intense match between the twins. Ross eventually ceased his own efforts in order to keep score for his brothers. The contest was a dead heat until finally Nolan threw a six-skipper and Logan conceded defeat. Under a warm afternoon sun the boys climbed onto one of the rock outcroppings which was ideal for fishing or swimming from, and Nolan produced the purloined cookies. They each sat back against the warm rocks, munching contentedly. He couldn't even guess at the number of times he had fished from this spot with his family, or jumped into the clear water with his brothers or cousins. Nolan knew that Boston was near the ocean. He hoped that going to sit by the water there was as relaxing as it was here.

Later, before Hop Sing announced dinner, he was back in his room rearranging items in the trunks. It would be nice to take his guitar with him, but there was no way that was going to fit no matter how many things he moved around! His father had started teaching him to play when he was four, and he had taken to it like a natural. Now they played together whenever they could. He might just have to take his father's suggestion and buy himself a new guitar in Boston; that would certainly be the path of least resistance. He picked up his current well worn instrument from where it stood by the window and sat briefly to strum on it. There was a light tap on his door. He called out a welcome.

His sister, Elizabeth, opened the door and slipped into the room, closing the door quietly behind her. At seventeen, she had become quite a lovely young woman. She had her mother's long, straight hair, but with their father's glossy black color. She had her mother's periwinkle blue eyes and Adam's Cupid's bow mouth. She and Nolan had always had a close bond, and Nolan particularly enjoyed watching her effortlessly wind their father around her little finger. He couldn't deny her anything it seemed, and it had always been that way. Nolan just figured that was the way it was between fathers and daughters. It certainly was like that with Uncle Joe and Isabel. Nolan knew that there was a serious sweetheart in the picture with Elizabeth, and he was sure that by the time he was finished with college she would be married. He could only hope he would be able to be home for her wedding, and as he looked up into her smiling face he felt the tug again.

"We were in town shopping this afternoon, and I got you a going away gift," she had a brown paper parcel in one hand. She held it out to him, "I hope you like it."

"Well thanks, Little Bit," he smiled, using one of his favorite nicknames for her. He got up and let her have the chair he was sitting in as he accepted the gift and sat himself at the foot of his bed. Pulling off the brown paper wrapping, he exclaimed over the polished black leather folder which contained sheets of fine quality writing paper and an ebony fountain pen held in a small matching leather pocket. "This is perfect! I know I'll get a lot of use out of this," he told her.

"I hoped so," she responded. "You know, Nolan, it isn't going to be the same here once you leave. I'm going to miss you," she whispered the last few words, her blue eyes suspiciously bright.

"I know," he said, hopping up to plant a kiss on her cheek. "But it isn't forever. It's only for now. You know I'll be back for visits, and back for good in four years."

"Oh I know that, but it's still going to take some getting used to. You and I are kindred spirits in a way. We both loved school, and we've both read every single one of Dad's books at least twice—and that's a lot of books. I don't think anyone else in the family feels quite the same way about reading and learning."

"Well what about Mr. James Fenway?" He was teasing her now. "Surely he couldn't have captured your heart without being something of a scholar."

She batted a hand at him, her old self once again. "Who says James has captured my heart? He really needs to capture Dad's first!" They were both laughing when Hop Sing was heard calling the family for dinner.

Dinner in the Cartwright home was a sight to behold. With a total of 24 people to feed, the custom built table and chairs ordered from San Francisco had been a necessity. And there was a place for everyone. Ben always sat at the head of the table, and his three sons took turns sitting at the opposite end. Their families tended to sit together, although there were no assigned seats. Sometimes when there were guests, a children's table was used, but tonight it was just family. There was always a lot of talk, with multiple conversations going on at once. Once in a while someone had a story to tell that had the entire table's attention. But it was hard to get everyone's attention when 24 people were talking, eating and passing food.

Tonight, though, there was one topic on everyone's mind: Nolan. It had been easy over the past few weeks to put off facing his departure. But now only two dinners were left. On Monday he would take the train heading to Boston.

"I wish Nolan wasn't leaving," this came sadly from eight-year-old Caroline, who turned her blue eyes to the brother two seats down who always helped her with her homework.

Nolan reached across his brother Eli, pretending to snatch off her nose. "Well just think, Miss Carrie, now your nose will always be where it's supposed to be." This almost seemed to make her feel worse.

"I know what Carrie means," Hoss interjected. "I mean, if someone's gotta go, why can't it be Logan?" He sent a wink in his nephew's direction.

Logan had been explaining to Ross that all self-respecting cowboys cut their own meat at dinner, but he looked up and smiled at his uncle's remark. He'd been ribbed his whole life about being a troublemaker after his Uncle Hoss had had to turn him at birth so he could be born safely. After that, Dr. Martin had said that of the two twins, Logan was definitely the one to keep an eye on in terms of devilment.

"You know, Uncle Hoss, I was going to take some time off from riding fence to go into town and see about getting one of those tattoos I keep hearing about. I thought I'd get one right across my wrist in big letters: TROUBLE." Logan had become his uncle's right hand man around the ranch, followed closely by Hoss' own son, Eric, who was finishing up school.

"_Logan_!" Mary Lynn, Adam and Hoss all spoke simultaneously, and got a teasing grin in return for their efforts.

"Well, I guess I could go in Nolan's place. I don't think they'd ever know, do you?"

Gunner, Jon, James and Hunter, all about the same age, howled with laughter. Their parents had to shush them, but even Grandpa Ben and Nolan were laughing.

"Son, I think you'd be back in Nevada within the week," Ben teased.

Ross now looked worried. "_Are_ you leaving, Logan?"

"No, buddy, you'd have to tie me down to get me to college in Boston."

This brought a collective laugh from the entire family. They well understood the diverging interests of the twins.

Hop Sing brought in the platter of chocolate cookies he had made earlier in the day. He told the family he was planning a special dinner the following night which include all of Nolan's favorite dishes. It was the last supper, so to speak. Everyone expressed their appreciation, but their hearts dropped a little. One more day left.

***

As everyone left the table, Mary Lynn took her son's arm and asked him to walk with her outside in the warm evening breeze. As the boys organized a horse race before the sun set, Nolan and his mother strolled past Hop Sing's vegetable garden and around the back of the house. Her son was a good head taller than she, so Mary Lynn had to reach up to touch his wavy black hair. She knew she was looking at Adam Cartwright as a young adult. He was so handsome, this thoughtful, serious son of hers. Her hands dropped to his shoulders and then down his arms to catch his hands in hers.

"Oh, Nolan, what are we going to do without you?" The smile she gave him was tremulous. "I'm so proud of you, but I can't stand the thought of you leaving. That's a little silly, isn't it? You've grown up."

His strong arm went around her shoulders and tightened. "It's not silly, Mom. I sort of feel the same way too," he admitted. "But we have to remember, it's not like I'll be gone forever. It's just for now." They resumed walking.

"Until you have children of your own, you'll never know how you and Logan transformed our lives. You both brought us such joy. You should have seen your father walking around the ranch with a boy in each arm; he was such a proud peacock. And you boys were always the evening entertainment after dinner. Everyone wanted to hold you. And then when other babies came, you two were the Big Boys. You were especially good at that, Nolan. You watched over all the younger children. You were so responsible. Logan was… well, he was Logan," she suppressed a smile as her gaze slid up to meet his, her eyes twinkling. "You have to admit, though, Logan's been a peach with Ross; so adult, so responsible. Your father and I sometimes feel a little left out!"

Nolan laughed out loud. "Those two are fun to watch. They adore each other. I think somehow it was meant to be."

"Probably so," she mused, but then she stopped again. "But I want you to know how much we appreciate the important role you've played in this big family we have. And how much we all love you," she stopped then because tears had started to fall. They hugged each other for a minute or so and then went to watch the race.

***

After the younger children had been sent to bed, the adults and older teen-agers sat in the great room around the nightly fire in the huge stone fireplace. At last it was quiet and everyone was relaxed. Grandpa Ben held a glass of brandy in one hand and his pipe in the other. Aunt Amy's head rested on Uncle Joe's shoulder. Aunt Erin and Uncle Hoss held hands. Adam had his arm around Mary Lynn, whose feet were tucked up beneath her. Nolan lounged on the floor near the fire along with Eric, now seventeen. Elizabeth sat in one of the easy chairs knitting rapidly with black yarn. Logan was still upstairs. Since his "conversion" with Ross, he had become the Grand Master storyteller for all the younger children. He made up most of his stories, and although he occasionally got a little too exuberant for bedtime, his talent was always in great demand.

Aunt Erin sipped her coffee and turned toward Nolan. "Nolan, I already miss you so much I could just cry, sweetheart."

"Me too," Aunt Amy agreed, smiling at him warmly. "It's like a link will be missing from our chain."

"Son, I can't tell you what a pleasure it has been to watch you grow up into the fine young man you've become," Uncle Joe added sincerely.

"I'll second that," Uncle Hoss chimed in, sipping his brandy.

"Just imagine the Cartwright name being represented at Harvard once again," Ben said proudly through his pipe.

Adam broke in, "Really now, we've all got to stop this. His head will get so big it won't fit through the doorway." This was followed by good natured laughter, while Mary Lynn just smiled.

"Nolan, when do you think you'll come back to visit? Four years is an awful long time," Eric asked earnestly. He had grown up close to both his twin cousins.

"I don't know, kiddo," Nolan reached out to tousle his cousin's blonde hair. "But remember, I'm not going away forever, it's just for now."

Adam got up and went over to his son, bending down to squeeze his shoulders. "We should all be getting to bed. Church tomorrow."

That effectively broke up the evening, and as everyone rose to clear away the coffee cups and brandy glasses, Logan came downstairs to join them, the last child having fallen asleep. As he came down he met the family going up.

"Whew! I'll take that brandy now, Grandpa," he said as though the burden had been heavy.

"Nice try," Ben intoned.

"You wish," said Adam as he put his hand on the back of his son's neck and turned him around. "We're all going to bed now, but if you want, you can take a glass of milk upstairs with you."

Logan's shoulders sagged as he trudged back up the stairs with Nolan and Eric. "I tried," he said resignedly. He'd been trying for at least a year and it hadn't worked yet.

***

Much later, lying in bed, Logan was still awake. He knew that his brother was, too.

"Nolan?"

"Yeah?"

"We've never really been apart since we were born."

"I know."

"What do you think it'll be like?"

"Probably like half of you is missing, at least for a while."

"Yeah, I guess so. Are you scared?"

"A little."

"I am too, sorta."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you've always been around if there's a problem and now you won't be. I don't know what that feels like."

"You're a lot smarter than you think. You'll do fine."

"Maybe."

"But I'll miss you."

"Yeah, I'll miss you, too."

"Just remember, it's not forever. It's just for now."

Logan sighed.

***

On Sunday morning everyone was up early. It took some doing to get everyone fed, dressed and sitting in the church pews by 10:00 a.m. But there they were that next day, all spit and polish. The family always tried to place adults between the adolescent boys, but should a small disturbance erupt among them during the service, it was interesting how one warning look from Logan set things to right. None of them wanted to get on his bad side since he could see to it that a boy lost his riding privileges for a day or more, depending on the severity of the crime. Nolan smiled just thinking about it. Really, his brother wasn't anywhere near the problem his reputation made him out to be. He had grown up nicely and filled a big pair of boots on the ranch. Nolan was going to miss him; he was good company and a lot of fun.

When the service ended, many members of the congregation wanted to congratulate Nolan and wish him well. He stood with his parents and thanked everyone who spoke to him. At the same time he could see his aunts and cousins setting up the usual Sunday picnic, and just thinking about that brought again the tug that was beginning to feel uncomfortable but familiar. What would he be doing in Boston on Sundays while they had their regular picnics?

Reverend Hawlings and his wife were the last to wish him Godspeed. They had known him since he was born, and the reverend had married his parents. Over the years, Nolan had heard bits and pieces of a story about the reverend marrying his parents twice, but try their best, he and Logan had never been able to get enough information from anyone to piece a story together. Maybe there wasn't one to tell…

The Cartwright ladies and some of their daughters didn't stay for the picnic. They were headed back to the Ponderosa to help Hop Sing get ready for the evening dinner. Nolan knew something big was up when he saw them depart for home. He caught his twin's eye, but he just shrugged. His uncles just grinned at him whenever he met their eyes, and his father wasn't even looking at him.

Later they were lounging under a tree eating cold ham and roast beef sandwiches, pickles, fresh apples and peach cobbler. The boys decided they wanted to fish and swim in the nearby lake. The girls preferred a complicated double jump rope game that was taking place nearby. So the three Cartwright brothers headed off to the lake with their sons. Ben stayed near the church visiting with neighbors. Adam hung back and walked with Nolan. He wanted to fish with him separately. Everyone seemed to be aware of that except Nolan, but he easily accepted his father's arm around his shoulders.

"Let's try our luck at the far end of the lake. Your brothers and cousins are going to be making waves that will wash the fish right down to us," he smiled at his oldest son, who chuckled at the mental picture this conjured up in his imagination.

Soon they were set up nicely at the quiet end of the lake, although they could see the other swimmers and fishers beyond them. Nolan had rolled up his pants legs and was sitting with his feet in the lake. His father was lounging back on his elbows, holding his pole idly in one hand. To anyone looking at them, they were undoubtedly related. If Logan had been with them, a passerby would have done a double take. Adam was a little heavier than his sons, and his hair now showed a few glints of silver mixed in with the black, but other than that they were virtually interchangeable.

"Are you all ready to go son?" Adam looked over at Nolan, squinting in the sunshine.

"I think so, as much as I can be."

"These are going to be some of the best years of your life," his father said quietly. "I know you don't realize that yet, but you're going to be exposed to so many new subjects, and new ways of thinking you almost won't know where to start. For someone like you, it's going to be fascinating. And you're going to be with other young men like yourself, so you'll make good friends and have amazing debates with them about all the new things you're learning," he paused and laughed to himself. "I kind of envy you, Nolan. It brings back many fond memories. A young man on your own for the first time…" he trailed off and grinned.

"I hope I can live up to your expectations, Dad."

Adam sat up at that. "Don't even think about that. Just be yourself and it'll just happen. You've always been such a scholar, just follow your instincts and you'll be fine. And there will probably be one or two professors who take a special interest in you. You can always talk to them if you're not sure about something. Besides, I don't think you can disappoint your mother or me. It hasn't happened yet."

Nolan stared out at the sparkling lake surface. He was having very mixed feelings. How would his father feel if he got there and found himself in over his head? His father wasn't worried about it, but to Nolan it would be like the world crashing down around him.

"But what if I do somehow?" The voice that came out sounded very small to him.

Adam shifted so that he faced his son. He looked at him for a few moments. "I don't think you understand how much we love you, Nolan. We already know your character; we've been watching it develop for eighteen years. We watched you read books like you were a starving man, we saw your grade reports come home from school. You're already one of the best people I know. If you get to Boston and find you don't like it or it's beyond your ability for whatever reason, get back on the train. We're all going to be here when you get here. The mining operations can use a good man like you. And you're not going away forever, you know. Just for now." Adam put his head against his son's so they were forehead to forehead, and then he smiled. Just briefly his hand came up and rested against the side of his son's face, and then it dropped.

Nolan sniffed loudly. "I hope you're right, Dad. I'll sure do my best."

"I know you will."

And then they did some serious fishing.

***

It was time for Sunday dinner and the house was very busy. People were scurrying everywhere, it seemed. Somehow that made Nolan nervous. It was his last dinner with his family before leaving the next day. That was bad enough, but couldn't it just be like every other dinner? That would feel so much better to him. Like comfortable old slippers or a warm quilt.

The aromas wafting up to his room were mouth watering. Hop Sing was as good as his word, making all of Nolan's favorite dishes. The call for dinner came right on time, and as he came down the stairs, Nolan saw that his very favorite, crown roast of prime rib, was in the center of the table. In addition Hop Sing had added peas and onions, sweet potato muffins, fresh butter, mashed potatoes, fresh tomato relish, fried chicken, corn, potato pancakes, homemade applesauce and Yorkshire pudding. Nolan's eyes met Hop Sing's and he gave his biggest grin. Somehow Nolan also knew that the chocolate cake he loved so well was hidden in the kitchen.

The family sat down as usual and Ben said grace. He included in his benediction that God keep Nolan safe and well on his journey away from home. Logan and Elizabeth had managed to sit on either side of their older brother, which also meant that a seat for Ross had to be finagled next to Logan. Wine was poured and Ben toasted Nolan's past and future scholastic success. The children toasted with apple juice. His aunts and uncles toasted to his character and their pride in having him as a role model for their own children.

Finally Adam stood and toasted his son as one of the finest gifts he could loan to the city of Boston. "But not forever," he amended. "Just for now."

Nolan was relieved when the food started passing around the table and the usual conversational mayhem began. That felt normal, and he enjoyed the wonderful meal Hop Sing had prepared. And he was right. His favorite chocolate cake was brought out at the end of the meal. That night, like his Uncle Hoss, Nolan had two pieces. Who knew how soon he'd have the chance to enjoy it again?

When the last of the cake crumbs had been carefully gathered up and eaten, Aunt Erin asked the family to gather in the great room. As they complied, Nolan thought how much it felt like Christmas, one of the only other days they all squeezed into the great room to exchange gifts. Oh no. Suddenly Nolan swallowed hard and hoped he was wrong about the thought that had just swept across his mind. But there was Aunt Erin, brining in a tray of gifts which she placed on the coffee table. Then she left again and brought in a second tray!

Everyone was looking at Nolan and smiling. "Sweetheart," his mother began, "these are just a few going away gifts and mementoes that we all got for you to remember us by."

Nolan was pretty sure he gulped as the feeling he now hated tugged again at his heart. But no one else seemed to notice as presents were passed to him. His youngest sister, Marianne, ran up to him with a wrapped present that felt soft. Opening it, Nolan recognized it as the pair of black mittens that Elizabeth had been rapidly knitting the night before.

"Elizabeth helped me," Marianne confessed, shyly glancing at her oldest sister, who winked at her. It was their secret that Marianne had only picked out the yarn.

"These are perfect, Marianne," Nolan hugged her. "Winters are cold in Boston. I'll wear them a lot." Marianne beamed at that.

His cousins Eric, Ben and Gunner gave him books of crossword puzzles to work on the long train ride. Nolan knew a lot of words, which is why he needed three books. He nodded approvingly when he saw them, and commented that he'd better have a pencil sharpener with him. Everyone knew Nolan wouldn't need an eraser.

His sister Susannah and their cousin Isabel had hemmed a dozen fine linen handkerchiefs and embroidered them with his initials. They had done beautiful work, and he told them both that he would be the most stylish man on campus. Isabel blushed and Susannah grinned.

Joe's three boys gave him several dozen small pieces of silver ore. They figured that he would be the unusual student, coming from as far west as Nevada, and he needed to have a token of the Wild West to hand out to special friends. Nolan gave a genuine grin and said it was the perfect souvenir for him to take with him.

Aunt Amy and cousin Sarah gave him a beautiful merino wool sweater along with a small sewing kit and a variety of buttons. Aunt Amy said that if he didn't know how to sew on a button himself, he'd better make friends with a few girls pretty quickly. This got a chuckle and unanimous agreement among the females.

Aunt Erin gave him a leather bound journal to keep his notes and thoughts in. His uncles gave him a card that was cleverly shaped and decorated as a guitar. Inside was enough money for Nolan to buy himself a new guitar in Boston. The card and artwork were from the artistic hand of Elizabeth. Eli and Hunter, with the help of Grandpa Ben, gave him a pair of beautiful new brown leather boots. Nolan exclaimed properly over them, and they were a sight to behold. They would be one of a kind in Boston.

Finally, Logan nudged him and handed over a large box from himself and Ross. Inside was the nicest black beaver felt and leather Stetson cowboy hat Nolan had ever seen. The leather band was tooled around the crown. And it was a perfect fit (having been sized to Logan's head, of course). The twins shared a hug and slap on the back.

Nolan didn't know what to say. It was an embarrassment of riches. But more than that, an outpouring of love. And the tug came again, hard. He looked around the room and shook his head, trying to think of what to say. His eyes began to sting. Some of the others were in the same spot, he could see as they blurred in his sight.

"Don't say anything, brother, you're welcome" Logan said generously. "Just remember that we all want big presents come Christmas."

God bless Logan. That broke the tension and everyone laughed. Coffee and brandy were served before everyone headed off to bed. Alone in his room while his brother put Ross to bed, Nolan was packing most of his gifts in the trunks when there was a tap on the door, and he called out to come in.

The door opened and his sister Caroline stood there with their parents. Nolan looked up and smiled. Carrie had changed into her nightgown but she had a small package in her hand, tied with a ribbon. He hadn't noticed, but she had been the only one downstairs who hadn't given him anything. She same forward almost shyly, the only one of her parents children to get their mother's blonde hair, and handed the package to Nolan. He untied the ribbon to find a wax bag filled will chocolate drops, his favorite candy.

"Thank you, Carrie! Now I'll have something really good to eat on the train," he took her face in his hands and kissed her forehead. At that she burst into tears and wrapped her arms around his neck, holding on tight.

"I don't want you to go, Nolan! I'll miss you!"

That was too much for him. He closed his eyes and squeezed her back, tears welling up behind his eyelids. She was such a sweet, beautiful little girl, how could he leave her along with everyone else he loved? He rocked her back and forth for a few moments while she sobbed. He opened his eyes to look at his parents. His mother was crying silently, and even his father looked stricken. With one hand he wiped his eyes quickly and then sat his sister on his lap.

Her breathing was shaky, as he stroked her hair. "Now Carrie, you know I don't want to leave you either. Why don't we make a plan to think about each other every evening before we eat dinner? It won't be quite the same as being together, but it'll be our special secret. How does that sound?"

Sniffing loudly, she nodded and rested her head against his chest.

"And how about this: whenever I send a letter home, I'll put a special note in the envelope that's only for you. Do you like that idea?"

The tears had stopped altogether now. She thought about this idea and nodded again, smiling. "And I'll write letters just to you, Nolan!"

"I'll count on it, sweetheart. And the most important thing to remember is that I'm not going away forever; it's just for now. Now off to bed with you. Otherwise, you'll sleep until noon." She kissed his cheek and was giggling as she left the room.

Nolan heaved a sigh and looked up at his parents helplessly. They each came to sit on either side of him on the bed.

"Nolan, truly, what are we going to do without you?" Mary Lynn reached up to smooth his hair.

"Pretend I'm Logan?" His suggestion was bleak, and he smiled thinly, although his father seemed to appreciate the attempt at humor.

Mary Lynn held her gift out to him. It was unwrapped. A black leather Bible, with his name inscribed in gold leaf on the cover and inscribed on the inside by both his parents: _To Nolan Benjamin Cartwright, who has given us joy every day of his life. Adam & Mary Lynn Cartwright, August 1880_.

"Gosh, Mom, thank you. It's beautiful," Nolan knew he was stammering, but his mother just wrapped her arms around him.

"You know it will guide you. Use it to help you find your way. It won't fail you."

He held it as if it were breakable and then hugged his mother back.

"And we were pretty sure this would come in handy, too," his father spoke from his other side, holding something toward him. It was a gold money clip with his initials engraved on it and a number of bills clipped securely in it. "Be sure you open yourself a bank account when you get there," Adam added.

Nolan took it and stared. He had never had something this nice before. He could hardly believe it. They were making sure that he'd have enough money for any situation that might arise. And they had. He didn't think he'd find himself in a tight spot.

"Thanks, Dad," he whispered. "I'll be careful with it."

"I know you will. Now let's get to bed so we can get you off in the morning." And then his father did something he'd never done before. He pulled his son close and kissed his head before getting up and holding out his hand to his wife. They both said goodnight and shut the door behind them. As the tug pulled the hardest he had felt yet, he put the last few items in his trunks and slammed the lids shut.

***

Breakfast was unnaturally quiet in the morning. Nolan dressed in one of his suits and came downstairs early. He wasn't hungry, but he did sip coffee. As the others gathered, they made a point of say good morning to him. His mother made him eat something, but eating almost made him feel sick. This wasn't real. He was leaving the Ponderosa, and it would go on without him. He felt as though he was on the outside looking in, but there was nothing he could do about it now.

School hadn't started yet for the younger children, so although they could all theoretically accompany him into town, only his parents and Elizabeth were going to Virginia City, where he would catch the stage for Reno and the train station. All too soon his trunks were brought downstairs and the family began to leave the table to get ready for the work day. There were hugs from all his cousins, and harder ones from his brothers and sisters. Uncle Joe and Uncle Hoss looked like they wanted to cry, but instead they gave him hard handshakes and wished him good luck. Aunt Erin let her tears flow and told him how much she loved him. Aunt Amy smiled, kissed him, and told him how proud she was of him. Hop Sing came out from the kitchen with a large wrapped package of leftover treats for Nolan to take on the train in his satchel. Then he pumped Nolan's hand up and down and wished him blessings and luck.

Nolan excused himself to find his twin, probably in the barn. That required a special goodbye. He found him with Ross near the corral. Logan turned when he heard his brother's approach. Their eyes met and they didn't say anything. It was impossible to say anything close to appropriate to the person who had been with you every step of the way since the day you'd been born. Surprisingly, Logan swallowed several times, cleared his throat, and then stared at the ground. When he looked up, his eyes were wet.

"You turn 'em on their heads, Nolan. I'll hold down the fort."

Nolan nodded at him, and the next moment their arms were around each other, squeezing hard. Then they stepped back, shook hands, and Nolan turned back toward the house, stopping halfway there to turn and wave. Logan and Ross both waved back.

The wagon was already loaded with his trunks and satchel. His parents were waiting outside, and Elizabeth walked out with Grandpa Ben, who had decided to say goodbye at home. He put his arm around his first grandson and said again what had already been said, reminding him to write. The love he had always expressed was there in his eyes and his voice and his words. Nolan smiled, and hugged him back. He promised to write. Ben stood and waved as the wagon left with Nolan and his parents and sister. He shook his head. Time certainly moved on. It turned like a top.

It was a warm day, and there was some casual conversation on the way into town. Town politics, the mining operations, crops that summer, rainfall. Nolan didn't participate. Periodically he felt in his coat pocket for his train tickets. Each time they were there. Once or twice his mother reached back and squeezed his hand. A few times Elizabeth leaned against his shoulder and smiled. And then in the blink of an eye they were in Virginia City. The speed of it startled Nolan. He wasn't ready to let go yet.

His luggage was efficiently stowed but there were still a few minutes before the stage had to leave. There were a couple of other passengers boarding as well. Roy Coffee and Paul Martin had walked over to say Godspeed once again. Finally the other passengers boarded. It was time.

Mary Lynn turned to Nolan and smiled, "You know how much I love you. Let us know how you're doing." Tears trickled down her cheeks as she hugged him again. The tug was painful as he hugged her back.

Elizabeth stepped forward to hug him, too. "Be safe and well, Nolan. I'll miss you," her eyes were misty as she stepped back.

And then his father was the last one. Not given to emotional displays, Adam suddenly remembered the first time this son was laid in his arms. Had he ever told him he loved him? Had he been a good enough father? He wasn't sure. Completely on their own, his eyes began to sting. He reached out and pulled his son into an embrace, right there on Main Street. His son hugged back, feeling like his heart was being tugged in two. They stood that way for a long time before they pulled away.

Adam held his hand out. Nolan took it. "I remember the day I left. It felt pretty overwhelming. But it doesn't last forever. It's just for now. Travel safe, son. Stay in touch."

"Bye, Dad." Their hands clasped as long as they could, and then Nolan turned and boarded the stagecoach, sitting opposite the other two passengers. As the stage pulled away and moved off, Nolan watched out the window until he couldn't see his parents and sister anymore. Then he sat back and sighed.

Just for now was just beginning.

**THE END **


End file.
